Oh I’m falling into a dangerous place, but I just can’t stop when you keep on making me smile like this.
It kinda sucks when you thought you made future plans with some of your best friends and then they end up doing it without you.
It’s such a big deal to me sharing new first experiences with people I care about, so saying things like, “We can take you there again next time,” does not sit well with me. Showing me pictures or telling me about it doesn’t sit well with me either. It’s as if you had plans to watch a movie with me, and I end up watching it before you and start telling you about the whole entire movie or telling all of the spoilers about the movie. Would you still want to watch it afterwards? No, probably not.
Sure this may be a petty rant, but it’s how I feel right now. I want to get over it, trust me, but at the moment, I feel a little hurt. Sure she probably forgot that I told her about the place, or that that specific place was somewhere important I wanted to go…
So surely I’ll get over it. Will I want to go with them to that specific place? That’s a no. Not until I go with someone else to share some first experiences with. I’d rather go somewhere new, and I’d rather go with people who haven’t seen the same things, just because people tend to rush through everything if they’ve experienced/seen it before.
That’s it. Later.
Sometimes we have to fall apart for everything to fall into place. We’ve both done a lot of changing after we separated. I became more self-reliant, and you wanted to be better/do better. We both ended up liking someone else, and even though mine was only for a short time, it made me realize what I wanted even more: the emotional connection.
Let me tell you though, there is a huge difference between having an emotional connection versus feeling emotional and needy. Back then I probably was more needy than what I am today. I always felt like I missed you on most days, and even hours after I just saw you, I always felt like it was never enough. But for some reason, these feelings started to come off in a negative way. I definitely see it now if I didn’t back then.
The you back then would pay attention to so many other people besides me. You wouldn’t realize it though. All I would really want back then was some communication. Some sign that made me feel, “Ah, he’s still interested in me.” But it became harder and harder to even talk to each other on the phone it feels like. You would end up feeling guilty, and then I felt sad because I still wanted you to be happy. In the end, we weren’t making each other as happy as we used to. So I’m glad that we separated. It was the best choice for the both of us, but it was still hard to be without you.
We didn’t talk for about a year and some months after that. Although you were still the first person to wish me happy birthday, other than there was nothing. I didn’t want to be so weak as to fall back to that hurt. I wanted to show you that I was okay without you. I wanted to show you that I was okay when you were with someone else. I wanted to focus on trying to become the person that I wanted to be and I’m so close to being there. I hope you’ve been watching. And even though we started to walk different paths, you were probably still lingering somewhere in the back of my mind.
I started to have a hard time, and needed a friend to listen. I don’t know how or when it started, but you started to come back into my life and listen to me. Sure I talked about why I was having a hard time to some friends, but I felt like they weren’t really listening. Somehow, it ended up turning into something about them instead, and that was something I did not need during that time. But you were there for me, sympathized with me, and made me feel more at ease. Just like magic, a load came off of my shoulders. Just like magic, you popped back into my life. Just like magic, we became friends again.
We started to go to places together a lot more often after that. Studying at school, going to pho cuong, complaining about classes, going to Dave and Busters for your first time. It was a lot of time spent together for the next couple of months. Then, there was that game followed by an accidental kiss. That’s what changed everything.
We talked on the phone about how we felt. Sure we like each other, but it doesn’t mean that we necessarily have to be together. We both have things and goals that we want in our life, and agreed not to be together. Honestly, I would have been an emotional wreck if he wanted to get back together. I would have said no. My feelings between our past were confusing, and I didn’t want to get into anything, especially if it hasn’t changed.
We kept on hanging out and throughout the summer, he was really supportive. Whether it was feeding me or giving me a place to rest, he did it all. I was in a tough place in the summer too. Only working one day a week while having to drive so far almost everyday. Even though I missed him some days, it wasn’t like before. Sure I would miss him, but it made me happy thinking about what we have done together and so I would just hang on to that thought alone.
This semester changed a few things, but more or less everything was the same. Just some limitations were placed because I wanted to focus on my schooling first and not be so confused when it came to you. And I guess, that’s where we are right now.
For some reason though, I cannot thank you enough for everything that you’ve done for me. Even though I can make things so weird or awkward sometimes, you’re there for me. You woke up early for me around 5:45am (which is a really hard thing to do for you) and helped me drop my car off at the shop and took me all the way to Norman so I could make it to clinic and then drove back home. You even gave me some coffee. You were also there for me whenever my car started breaking down again and we were on the road for 5 hours trying to make it back to OKC through the rain. We would have to stop every 10-15 minutes or so for my car to cool down and then you would get wet in the rain to pour more coolant in my car. You spoil me with food and always keep me cool or warm. You’re my study buddy whenever I need to study.
Even though I don’t know if we’ll ever be back together, I’m thankful to have you in my life.
I don’t care if it’s not 11:11. I’ll make a wish that he’ll be well and healthy again.
We’ve had many ups and downs today, but at the end of the day, you’re still my main squeeze that I want to spend the day with.